Day 6 – What Am I Afraid Of

I noticed lately that I was saying “I’m scared” or “that makes me nervous” a lot. It was bothering me and so I tried to figure out why. I realized it was connected to a recently ended relationship that I thought would be the forever kind. After the break, I knew I would be facing life alone and that came with a level of uncertainty. That uncertainty caused some stress, fear, and the “I’m scared” comments.

I did something at the beginning of the ski season that helped overcome that fear. I didn’t set out thinking the day would be empowering but it certainly ended with me being a stronger person.

I took a day trip to a ski resort 4 1/2 hours from home (it was open and a new one to add to the 50 in 50 list). My GPS was barely hanging on as I traveled to the mountain. I knew I wouldn’t have any service coming back so I tried to write down the roads and turns. Two hours of the trip was on a two lane road that twisted and turned over mountains and through the countryside. It was a little scary, especially when my check engine light (and a few others) came on.

I made it to the ski area and as soon as I clicked into my bindings all my fears disappeared. I was skiing alone on a new mountain hours away from home. It was raining, foggy, and I felt fearless.

The trip home was even scarier than the ride up. It was dark, super foggy, and no GPS. For two hours I passed about ten cars. It was the perfect opportunity to be afraid. My mind wanted to let me know about every horrible scenario that could happen. I didn’t allow those fears in because I felt like a badass. Instead of the “I’m scared” I was pumping myself up with “look what you did and what you are doing…you are tough”. I came home empowered and promised myself I would cut back on the “I’m scared” or “that makes me nervous” comments.

I figured out that I was afraid of facing fifty alone. That day on the slopes I thought about my community, my village. My family loves me unconditionally. My friends surround me with kindness and love. I am truly lucky.

I started out the day just to go ski and add another slope to my midlife ski crisis and I ended the day realizing I faced a lot of fears and I’m going to be just fine facing my future. I will get scared and I may be single but I am not alone. I have my community and my skis.

Side note: I skied Belleayre in New York. It was a sweet mountain. Every employee was kind and so helpful. The snow was good and I even found bumps. At the end of the day I ended at the wrong lodge and two snowmakers drove me to my car.

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